i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
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