How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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