I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Randomize
