i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Send help, water and tortillas.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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