I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
