When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
BRING THE BAGELS
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
soo... how was my night?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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