My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
