I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
