you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
