I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize