At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
