I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
