He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Randomize