swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
