So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
