she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
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