It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
