What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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