Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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