Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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