I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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