I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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