He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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