she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
