I faked an abortion last night.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
