Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
