Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
