Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
