If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
