oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
