Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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