I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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