his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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