dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
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