Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize