You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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