ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
