I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
