She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
