What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Randomize
