I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
