:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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