Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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