just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
