new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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