I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize