toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I can't put those talents on a resume
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
