I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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