She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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