We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
