I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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