Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
