Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
