it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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