Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
