The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
me + whiskey = a bad person
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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