I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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