It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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