got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
