There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
