we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
