Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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