I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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