Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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