Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
