I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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