Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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