I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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