New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
