last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
