Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
