I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Boobs are out for the taking
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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