i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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