All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
