Just fell off a train. Bad.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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