Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
