i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
