you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
