The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
