Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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