her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
