Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
