These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
