So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
